The Story

It was dark in Daniel Marriott’s head. The question had been burning in there for hours, however the light had now extinguished. The question was a difficult one. He kept returning to the simple fact, he didn’t know. Mr McCarthy repeated the question “Does it have your name on it?” “errrr… don’t know!”

Meanwhile, back at Chris Mitchell’s house, he was getting owned on Halo, for he is the noobiest of all noobs. Fish was beating him 50 to -3 on Rumble Pit. Chris thought “Jumping off the edge is how you win, forget about killing people.” After Mitchell got owned by Fish 20 games in a row, he admitted that he was a total noob and any kill he achieved was whilst Fish was away and not playing (even then, Mitchell found it a challenge as he failed to distinguish the objective of the game since he couldn’t read the instruction manual due to his complete lack of literary skills). Mitchell now rightly felt as though Fish was his superior at everything in life leading him to become a binge drinking alcoholic. Every night, after getting owned by Fish on Halo 3, Mitchell would drink three bottles of vodka. After this he rarely knew what he was doing and was often found passed out next to a bin full of piss.

That moment, Mark Morris - who was waiting in the custom games lobby - asked Chris Mitchell for a game invite. Chris happily sent one, knowing that the only way he could possibly pull off a win would be with Mark’s help. Mark ran quickly ran to Mitchell’s aid yelling “lololololol soi soi soi soi soi” while shooting Fish with a dual-wielded mauler. What hope did Fish have now?

Some time after the Mark-Chris combo had managed to get the score back to 50 to 43, what could happen but Richardo Waskowycz joined. He started screaming like a little girl, but still managed to bring the game up to a draw. “GAME OVER” announced the announcer. Soon after Fish thought about killing himself because he was so crap at everything, not only to end his suffering but to end his friend’s misery because he was such a knob and no one liked him. His BFF came to the rescue and took him under his wing and taught him the ways of Halo. The new team of Fish-Chris went on to rule the Halo world owning team after team after team after team after team after team. But one day a new challenger came along. Mrs Kingshott. No one had come close to beating them but this would a real test of their strength as a team. Mrs Kingshott was renowned for her dedication to the game often playing for months at a time with no breaks whatsoever. They entered the game as Mrs Kingshott shouter her battle cry “CHRISTOPHER!!!”. Fish knew what his job in the team was, to attract the bullets of other people and absorb them so the good players could kill the enemies. Time after time after time after time after time after time after time after time Fish would get owned by his mother but Chris kept owning her and making sure to teabag Fish and his mother at the same time.

One day, on Tuesday the April 29th everyone got bored of Halo (BETRAYAL). The four went to the game store and got it through the post, respectively. The following day, Fish, Mark, Mitchell, Robin and Townsend joined a game of Cops and Crooks. It was complete ownage until Mark decided to betray the team and quit without even saying goodbye. Mitchell decided that it was east enough to replace Mark with some random northerner called Encryption who immediately dot owned multiple times by Robin. His anger was eating him up inside so he ran away, never to be mentioned again in this story. Soon after this, Townsend, of whom Mark, Mitchell, Robin had not met in a whole year, also quit, only to try to get everyone to join a game again. His attempt failed.

Around this time Daniel Marriott carried out the greatest crime known to the civilised world: he bought a ps3. Unfortunately the PS3 has no good games for itself so he had to get games which are available on xbox. Oh yeah did I mention the ps3 costs a million pounds

Meanwhile, at fish’s house, he was planning a plan that involved lots of planning. This plan was the planniest plan ever planned by man. This plan was so devious that it cannot be written on paper for fear that it will destroy the world. I can say that involved Turner, something that you make a cup of tea with, the ps3, and Daniel Marriott.

Fish, along with many others who play no part in this tale, had been violated by one of the above mentioned characters for reasons that the world may never know. Needless to say, he wasn’t very happy. Fish wanted to avenge the world for this blatant invasion of personal space.

One Saturday night, Fish saw Chris Mitchell on the floor (for unknown reasons), his opportunity had arisen, and he knew that a decision had to be made. Should he pass on the master plan, or shouldn’t he? He stood for a second. Seconds became minutes, minutes became hours, hours became days. The decision had been made. After seconds of serious soul searching, Fish approached Chris Mitchell. Chris said “If you do this, you will never find out the secret within”. Fish knew that Mitchell held the answers to many of the world’s questions but was it worth it? Again, Fish pondered. Seconds became minutes, minutes became hours, hours became days. Soon the opportunity would be gone, as Mitchell began to clamber on to the chair. Chris’ words began to swirl in Fish’s head “I’m not going to do this again”, “I’m glad that there are no girls here because I don’t know what I’d do”. Was this going to be the only window of opportunity? Fish thought remembered his bottle of Absinth in the wine cabinet and thought to himself “There will be plenty of opportunity later on, now it’s time to discover the truth within”.

“I have made up my mind” said Fish.

“And your decision?” asked Mitchell.

“I will let your soul live for now”

“Good”

“Now tell me your secret” demanded Fish

“No, I will not tell you”

“Why not?” insisted Fish

“Because it’s embarrassing” Whispered Mitchell

“Don’t worry, what goes on in the conservatory, stays in the conservatory” said Fish

“Ok, I will tell you as long as you don’t tell anyone else”

“As I said, what goes on in the conservatory, stays in the conservatory” reassured Fish

“Ok, you know, this is kind of hard to say but… … … … … … … … … I piss in bins”

Immediately, it came to realisation to Mark, who was listening in on this conversation, why it had been so hard to take out the rubbish recently. He thought that he needed to start lifting weights, but now the expensive, exclusive, exotic health spa/gym membership was for nothing. Mark felt ashamed for spending his student grant on this, and repulsed for lifting these so called “piss bins” for so long.

The people within the conservatory promised never to speak of this again, except when writing a story, full of inside jokes, that is being sent amongst them via the email systems of their local college.

Sometime later, or earlier (it’s hard to remember all of these details especially when I am trying to write this quite quickly), Mark Morris completed GTA IV before everybody else. How he managed to perform this great feat of physical and mental endurance while still turning up for college is beyond me, the story teller, especially seeing as Chris Mitchell had taken most of the weeks following April 29th off.

After Richard heard of Marks success in completing GTA IV and that he had been defeated he felt it was Chris Mitchell’s fault for telling Robin that he loved him. So Richard started twiddling his moustache, imagining that each side was the handlebar of a mongoose with which he was using to run over Chris Mitchell’s head again and again and again and again and again. By now, in Richard imagination, Chris Mitchell’s face was so mauled he looked like Bigfoot, which coincidentally was a compliment to Chris.

Suddenly Fish came out of his mum room with a look in his eye that everyone had seen before. They had been playing runescape together! He went straight to Chris Mitchell and kicked him in the crotch, he then asked “Why did you tell Robin that you love him, I thought you were going out with my mum?” Robin then told Fish that Chris hadn’t told him that he loved him and that incidentally he loved him instead. After hearing this, the person called him decided it was time to intervene. He said “Look, I don’t love anyone” and so he got in his spaceship and flew away, never to return. This broke Chris Mitchell’s heart and he decided he was never going to love anyone or anything again aside from pissing in bins which nobody was allowed to talk about except in this story and the subsequent film adaptation, and perhaps even a sequel depending on box office ratings and it’s overall aggregate score on IMDB.

After all the commotion they all decided to sit down with some vodka and do shots while running from the police in GTA IV, also while drunk on the game itself. Daniel Marriott then tried to have a go but he had never played an Xbox 360 before for more than 10 seconds because he had a PS3 (betrayal) and because he was rubbish. He tried to get in a car and drive but he was holding the controller upside down and so was pressing A instead of Y. Daniel Marriot couldn’t understand why his character was running away from the car instead of getting in it and to show his frustration kept making grunting noises “ugh ugh ugh” while tugging the overgrown forest he keeps on his chin. After a few bits of food and dead animals showered the room the rest of the people got sick and threw up in Marks bin, a somewhat commonplace act in his household with roughly 10 people puking in his bins each day.

Meanwhile, with no relevance to the preceding paragraphs, the real villain of the story appeared. He only appeared now because the story has no real plot. This villain was just some random guy just to force the story to at least have some point, but due to the nature of the story he will just be some 2D caricature of a person because none of the people writing have a clue what theyre talking about. Anyway, hes fish’s evil twin or something, which makes no sense because if anything fish is the evil one. Anyhow, he was creating an army of evil fish clones to destroy the Chris Mitchell empire of doom and his “not alive star”. This worried our heroes, but not enough to make them actually do something so they went back home.

Fish on the other hand was ready to fight for good, or something righteous, however, he had no faith, since turnergate he didn’t believe he had the power to destroy evil fish gang. He was walking down the road, to go to bargain booze because Aaron told him to because he’s Aarons slave, and a young nublet proclaimed: “Fish, you are a true inspiration to us all.

Your success despite your nub tendencies proves to nubs everywhere You can achieve! Shout it with me brothers!”

Aaron had set the task; Fish knew what he had to do.

Fish, in his eternal stupidity began to carry out this quest. Seeing as he lived but a few minutes away from the destination. However, with Fish, nothing is simple. Because he couldn’t be bothered to walk this short distance, he jacked a car because he thought that he was in Liberty City.

Suddenly, the news crews were everywhere and a shyster, Jack Thompson, tried to ban Fish from life.

“I hereby banish you from life” demanded the shyster

“Your mum” said Chris Mitchell who up until this point was not in this particular plot.

“Yea he said it, Aaron will be here any moment” added Fish.

In his total naivety, Fish realised that Aaron did not care for him; he only cared that the task be completed.

In a panic, Fish ran over this shyster and the world rejoiced, however, this joy was short lived, for the shyster had a son.

Chris Stevens, his son, sent a letter to Fish’s mum.

“Christopher!!!!” shouted his mum

The battle cry had been spoken and there was no way of getting out of this.

Suddenly out of nowhere Fish’s mum’s bitch, Chris Mitchell attacked Fish’s evil twin who hasn’t been mentioned in ages.

Later that month the gang left college possibly never to see each other again. Was this the end? While lots of people were going to university Chris thought “fine, fuck off then”. A whole summer of events then happened which will have to be documented at a later date.

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A film was to be made based on the events in a historically accurate movie called Fish Kingshott: The Movie